Friday, April 29, 2005

New Search - II

Unusually, I woke up early that morning, just to create a feel good atmosphere. Greeted Anamica and went to collect the newspaper. My mother gave an astounding look, trying to pinch herself. My good morning starts at 11.AM on Sundays. Anamica was not less aware of that fact. Thought of settling down with newspaper, sipping the hot coffee. I was courteous enough to offer a cup to Anamica, which she politely refused. Think Conscience do not have the habit of eating and drinking. I was in no mood to offer for the second time and just continued my work.

I spent almost an hour with paper and felt guilty for leaving her alone. But she did not seem to mind it and made it clear to me that I was under no obligation to entertain her and she just wanted to accompany me the whole day and intrude only when she felt as necessary. That made me feel lighter. I was expecting a call from my friend. We waste no Sundays and have taken an oath to share our wealth with fellow citizens, who happen to be shop owners. Ours is a great combination, and hunting book, music and cloth shops is our favorite pastime.

I was feeling great that time. I need no reason to feel happy. If I am happy, I am uncontrollable. (Not that otherwise I am controllable!). Was singing a song closer to me as loudly as possible. Anamica was not happy to watch me like that. Came closer and hissed. “Why cannot you control your emotions? To my knowledge, nothing great happened here for you to be happy.” She did not even shut her mouth and I was ready to open mine. “See my dear. I am no saint. Neither I want u to make me one. I warn you, never ever interrupt me when I sing. For that is the worst thing I hate.” I knew I was curt. But that undue interruption did affect my privacy.

My friend rang up and told that she could not accompany me, as she was preoccupied with too many things. I was disappointed greatly and started wondering what I would do for the rest of the day. I was lying on bed idly, gazing the fan. Anamica came near me, and sat beside. I got up and smiled at her. “What happened to your exuberance? Why r u silent now?” . I looked at her vaguely, and said, “This happens with me many a times. My emotions keep on changing, and the persons moving with me find it diffcult to adjust their wavelength according to my mood. Not that now I am sad because my friend did not turn up. But some ambiguity catches me, making me dull and meek.”

Now Anamica sat comfortably, as if ready to give me a lecture. But lectures always irritated me. I find myself too wise to listen someone advising me! But again I was wrong. She just wanted me to speak and asked what makes me sad or let down, most of the times. I now came out with my list. “When I find that my friends no longer need me the way they needed earlier. When I find I am not up to the mark. When I find I am idle. When I find someone is not straight enough to quarrel with me and not good enough to befriend me. When I find that people around me are mean. When I find that I cannot reciprocate to their meanness. When I realize that it is me alone who can solve the problem and no soul on earth can help me. When I find…”.

It is all enough, said Anamica. “Now tell me what makes you happy?”. And again the list went on. “I am happy when I am appreciated. I am happy when I see my gang. I am happy when my mother pats me. I am happy when I read a good book. I am happy when I write. I am happy when I hear songs. I am happy when I spend. I am happy when I have company of good friend, I am happy when something makes me feel great. And I know u surely won’t be happy, if I keep on lengthening this list.”

She just smiled and this time she was really coming out with a lecture. Though I was in a mood to lend my ears now. “So, to a great extent, people around you influence your mood. Right?” I nodded humbly. “That shows you are dependent on others for being happy. Right?” This irritated me slightly. “You mean to say, an ordinary person like me can achieve that sort of independence so as to isolate her from the rest of the universe and feel blissful all the time? That is closer to impossible. Tell me something which is achievable.”

She patiently continued. “No. Again you got me wrong. I never said that you should isolate yourself from these things. Neither you are that much mature to do that, nor that it is expected from you. What I say is, give others what you want to get. That is simple logic. No great maturity is needed to appreciate this. What you sow, so you reap.”

“Oh, what a great lesson for the day. I learnt it when I was in class first.” I started laughing for my own joke. She was in no mood to enjoy. “That is what I say. You did not grasp what you teacher told that day. I am just trying to remind u that again. Not that the thing, which you read earlier, holds good only in book.”

That was too boring for me. I came close to yawning and was worrying that could hurt her. Thankfully, my mother came to my rescue, offering me some food to eat. I just escaped in that small gap, and sat before TV, enjoying the food.


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