Letter to God

Note: I intented to continue with the story self made or ready made. But i thought that i am going so far away from what i intended to say and was concentrating more on characters. I thought of restraining myself from personal posts and generalizing my ideas. but that hardly suits my nature. Being straight and hitting the nail is the easiest thing one can do. (hey, see how well u can make up your weakness by telling it differently. to be frank, fiction is not my piece of cake i believe.)

Still i cannot leave a story half finished. When i was browsing a website,it spoke about a contest in which one had to write a letter to God. Ultimately, i was about to tell my own feelings about God through rohith in Selfmade or ready made. so i thought i should be direct. here is a letter which Rohith writes to God. In a confused state, whether to know that his life is like a ready made dress in which he could not do anything, or is like a dress material which he is free to stitch it to his wish, only his physique being the constraint, Rohith writes this letter to God.

Dear God,

Though I address U, hardly I believe in your existence. I was brought up as a pious boy, habited to say my daily prayers, with frequent visit to your temple. Till a few years back, if somebody was questioning Your existence, I mocked at them and ignored them. But now, I feel that they may be right.

When I was 20 years old, I read a book about a great sadhu, who personally believed that idol worship was not necessary. I have noticed every other sadhu, said that idol worship was primitive stage of bhakthi. Having read all those stuff, I started disbelieving in religious routines and concentrated my bhakthi on one single form. That was you, Lord Shiva. For a few years, I found that I was right in my form of bhakthi. Instead of giving offerings to You, I found it right to give up a bad habit of mine. Instead of showering You with milk and honey, I found it right to feed a hungry stomach.

I developed a sense of pride in my own form of Bhakthi, that I imagined you to be closer to me. So closer, that even the pettiest of my issues were consulted with You. Or probably I mistook my intuition as Your guidance. Whatever it may be, it worked well for few years. But now, I feel that the link is broken.

When I read books on mind power, I felt that there is no concept as God, as everything is so naturally explained and it is all the power of mind that drove me till then. Still, my orthodox brain did not want to accept all those stuff and continued to believe in You.

When the good old advice of our famous astrologers were thrust on me which meant a daily visit to God of my non interest or lighting akal vilakku in different swami sannidhis, I ignored them completely, thinking that only the form which I loved can help me. Till now, I do not feel the guilt.

But slowly, I found that the bond between You and me was loosening. My intuition failed many a times. I felt that I was guided wrongly. I blamed You. Then I found an equal chance to blame me. When I can blame me for a wrong decision, that means I have a greater control over my life. Instead of believing in You, instead of referring to You for all my problems, I found it right to consult myself and decide. And to a great extent, till now, it has been working well.

But still, this question haunts me. When others can find solace in going to temples and chanting the mantras, why I do not get peace?

To read all those philosophical books which are in a completely alien language and to get clarity is not a thing within my reach.

Is there not a simple answer for this question? Who are You? What do You do in my life? Can I ignore You? I tried to do that also. But as a weak human, when I found that things were out of my control, and badly needed someone’s help, I fell on Your feet. While falling so, I blamed myself for being selfish. I shied from opening my mouth to ask for favours. Rather, I had no faith that my prayers would be answered. Hence I feel no relief when I fall on Your feet.

Leave alone granting favours to me. I want to establish that old bondage which I had with You. I try my best to believe that You exist. But my Lord, something prevents me from that. Say a small disappointment which I face. The moment I feel that I should be a faithful devotee, I start expecting something from You. I try to blame You for all my miseries, though all happiness are accepted cheerfully with a small thanks giving prayer to You.

Now that I got a chance to visit your temple, I am dropping this letter in Your Hundi, hoping that these queries of mine will reach You. You may prefer to remain silent thinking that I am not a good devotee of Yours. But remember, I have always been a good citizen, a good employee, a good boss, a good son, a good husband and a good father. After all, that is what You expect from Your devotee. Hence I have every right to demand an answer. Before my heart shatters, my Lord, please answer me.

With Love,

Rohith.