Saturday, July 02, 2005

I am not to be blamed

Ramya is to be blamed. The devilish idea of writing a story came to me after reading her blogs. Bharath added fuel to that, and he is planning to write a sequel. The long planned unimplemented wish is now fulfilled. This is just a caution and the risk averse can safely go to other pages.

Am I free?

Morning dews were still on the flowers. At the stroke of 6, Anupama got up. Let me make the day special, she decided. After all, today is the day to celebrate. Her birthday.

Sekar was still lying in bed, expecting his morning coffee. He did not greet Anupama. Because, he was absorbed totally in daily chorus, that he forgot his better half’s birthday.

Anu was used to it. Her five years of association with him had taught her well not to expect. But friends are the real relievers. Her mobile was almost crying for rest that very morning, making her feel special.

"Oh, so today is your birthday? I totally forgot. Anyways, many more happy returns of the day." , uttering these words, Sekar returned back to newspaper. She endured.

She should focus. That alone could bring her out from this vacuum. Vacuum due to lack of love and care.

That was a long wait. Almost for an hour. While her boss was deeply discussing Anu’s promotion prospects with another superior. She skipped the morning coffee, aimlessly gazing at the computer, having no idea to work.

She never thought half a decade of association with a dry person could change her personality so much. She was never a person expecting results. Vibrant Anu demanded results for she always performed. When the results were otherwise sometimes, least she bothered, for she knew how to isolate herself. But now, she begs for success. To forget the vacuum in love life, she needs success. She feared she will break if she does not get it.
Fate is not always harsh with humans and sometime or other one has to feel happy for existing on earth. Also, Anu deserved and returned home with good news.

Excited Anu, came home to announce her career advancement.

"Well, I hope they will provide u with a car. And remember we have bought only one parking space in which my Santro is parked already. And those extra few thousands with ur promotion will fetch us nothing big though. My congrads" said Sekar. She endured.

"Marriages are made in heaven", she laughed heartily on hearing this proverb. "I think God missed my marriage. "

Her marriage has taught her to be patient. But she wondered why she should be. "What I gain in this association? I kept on enduring for past 5 years, to see no change in Sekar. My life had been routine all these years, and my matrimony did not even give me a good friend, leave alone a good husband. I care about the society, which least bother about me. I care about the neighbours with whom I hardly interact. Earlier, I was bold enough to speak my mind caring very little about the world. I was accountable only to my conscience and to no one else for my actions. I was proud of being myself and felt that I have a liberated and free soul. I felt pity for those who feared their parents, colleagues, superiors, friends, neighbours, or what ever little creature on earth. Never had I thought, I will be one among them."

Having an American boss gives a unique experience. That too when she happens to be a female, curious to know about Indian customs, nothing more can delightful than to spend a few hours with her. Anu was accompanying her boss and after all those official talk was over, Susane was in a mood to switch the topic to something unofficial.

She spoke about her husband. Present and former ones. She said how considerate and supportive he had been. Contrasted him from her earlier husbands who were selfish and narrow. She spoke about her first husband who forced her to learn everything in which he had interest caring least about her literary talents. And about the second one who was inconsiderate to all her feelings. She was positive about Joshua, and was willing to settle down for her life with him.

For the first time, Anu thought about the righteousness of a westerner in changing partners frequently. It is a search. A wrong decision do not make them handicapped for their life. Marriages are made in heaven, only if we humans liberate our self from rectifying our old mistakes. We have an incorrect interpretation in India, she thought.

"But do I have the courage to get rid of Sekar? Can I manage my little kid Asha without him? Or can I seek a new partner? No, No and No. The answer seems obvious. Realty is always different from my dreams. After all I am not the only one with unfulfilled dreams. I am surrounded by thousands of others who sacrificed their dreams and still smiling at the world. After all, an indifferent husband does not make world that much a worst place. I have endured for him for these many years and continue to do so for the rest of my life. Yes, I lack courage. I am not free. Neither I wish to. For the sake of my daughter, for the sake of the society and for the sake of my parents."


Blogger thennavan said...

Interesting story bringing out several things at the same time - the emotions of a not-so-happily-married woman, the differing standards between two societies, the pulls and pressures of modern life etc.

Keep writing :-)

Saturday, July 02, 2005 6:29:00 PM  
Blogger Atta Girl said...

Hi vasu, The ending of your story is quite disturbing & sad, yet it's so true of indian society. I wonder why women subject themselves to such a stifling life. Dunno, what i'd do if i were in Anu's place. Right now, i can casually say i'll walk out of the marriage, but in reality, may be a couple of candid conversations cud help...or some furious outbursts.....don't know, can't say!

But seriously my heart cringes, when i meet women, who want to do so much more in life but are left limited only to household chores/child rearing, just becoz of unsupportive husbands or cranky families...

There is a certain restlessness in do something for indian it in education or counselling...can't say when n how it'll materialize. And i hate to sound so tentative & vague but the thought has been growing in my mind since college days!

Your story just touched that chord...

Sunday, July 03, 2005 7:08:00 AM  
Blogger Hawkeye said...

during indian parties in the US.. i have seen some desis praise the indian marriage system and how there are less divorces etc? seeing what i have seen ..i could never bring myself to praise india in this aspect. there are a lot worse people than the anu character though..

some times if the sycophantic arranged marriage ki jai ho... will get me pissed off too.

Sunday, July 03, 2005 4:13:00 PM  
Blogger fieryblaster said...

@ Thennavan: Thanks for that encouraging words

@ Atta girl: Doing something for women? sounds good. Compulsory and quality education to all will make situation better I believe. and yes from individual point of view, we can try and educate the women folk.

@ Bharath: It is sad to realize that some women folk with weak minds tend to see arranged marriage as an escape.

But in India I do not think that there exists a better alternative than arranged marriages.

Sunday, July 03, 2005 11:29:00 PM  

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